MindRetrofit8 Moscow

// Isolation of a Chameleon//

Isolation of a Chameleon

Originally posted on MindRetrofit7:

The Road to Somewhere  Artist Julie Dant

The Road to Somewhere
Artist Julie Dant

Isolation of a Chameleon

they call me Dexter,
sometimes I go by Dex;
I don’t much like that,
what’s in a name?

my name changes,
everytime I go down a gravel road,
or run into an auburn haired beauty
with smooth, milky-white skin
sprinkled in superb freckles,
that smirk and giggle back at me –
that’s when I go by…

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Stoic http://wp.me/s1h29v-stoic

Stoic edge of her heart left, a smidgen on the base of your finger print, she slipped through your fingers,

Stoic http://wp.me/s1h29v-stoic

Stoic edge of her heart left, a smidgen on the base of your finger print, she slipped through your fingers,

// Entrails of the Exposed//

Entrails of the Exposed

Originally posted on MindRetrofit7:

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Entrails of the Exposed 

trepidatious thoughts,
eats away –
residue on the lining of my skull,

i am afraid

full of shame
peeling away
molten skin
revealing what lies within
terrified of, what?

when?

innards scald from bubbling pains
aches wave through;
telling you of my darkest days
exposed and blamed
fear sieges my veins –

why?

do i rip my flesh wide…

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Riled Metamorphosis

Riled Metamorphosis  emergence of yellow rose among, glimmers of darkness faltering into a fade, echoes passed through this place -

Riled Metamorphosis

Riled Metamorphosis  emergence of yellow rose among, glimmers of darkness faltering into a fade, echoes passed through this place -

Fall Brings On The Loops & Feeling Blue

Many of you who have read my blog for a while know that I have a huge challenge with understanding relationships. I have improved in my understanding in many ways and it has helped me with settling certain fears, confusions with some of my relationships. My sudden anxieties, confusion, fears about uncertainties of relationships, and panic attacks about what I have said or done have not gone away. My panicky loops, heart crushing feeling, lump in my throat, nausea filled thoughts are still there. Yep, they are still here lingering, waiting, and looping whenever triggered. When it happens, I feel a sudden blackness fill my mind. My heart feels like it has been slivered into pieces – its glass shattered all over the place! I have a lump in my throat, that at times manifests into tears, or hyperventilating episodes. I close my eyes tightly, clutching every muscle in my body desperate to try and make my mind make sense of the situation. It’s like I can literally feel my neurons get blocked at pathways, they cluster at some road block and no matter how hard I try to understand what is going on I cannot. With all of my relationships, I have no idea what “we” are anymore. It does not happen as frequently as before, but when it does happen it is frightening. It is a frightening feeling to be in long-term relationships with people, especially, people you are related to, live with, or have been in a relationship with for several years. It is confusing for those in my life who care so deeply for me … who I have been able to express this to through communication, mostly written. They cannot imagine feeling this way; I cannot imagine having the feeling of “knowing” in a relationship.

(Source: addtoany.com)

// Morrissey, Me, Cicadas Make Three//

Morrissey, Me, Cicadas Make Three

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Morrissey, Me, Cicadas Make Three

blue plastic lawn chair,
wobbly, flimsy, a cradle of niceness,
when all the world is crumbling behind me,
this fancy chair of mine holds me close,
sun glazes my face in kisses,
tender breezes whisk across my flesh,
the leaves are falling — too soon, I say
while the cicadas sing their deafening song,
blazing my ears in constant echoes — vibrating clicks,
lovely…

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Family Reunion – It Felt Good To Feel Accepted

This past Saturday was my big family reunion from my dad’s side. It has been over 10 years since we have had one and it has been that long since I have seen many of them. It is a little different for me because I had not lived here for so long; I missed many family gatherings and events that my sisters and other family members had attended. It fed into my feelings of not belonging, and isolation from people I was supposed to have some sort of connection with because of that. It escalated my social confusion and anxieties with them. However, when I would see them again I would feel an instant acceptance with many of them, not all. I feel more uneasy with certain family members that I have had more social contact with then, the family that I am referring to at the moment. I was excited and nervous about the family reunion. I was concerned about Daniel, I knew that he would enjoy himself, but would it be too overwhelming? Would I have to run out of there feeling judgmental eyes? Would people treat him like he was odd or admonish me for my parenting style? Would I have everything I needed to feed him? Would I have everything needed so he could have fun and not feel the sting of anxiety? So many questions! And they didn’t stop. I had plenty more for him, and then I had more for Ariel, Joshua and ME! I scripted, I planned, I prepared, I did all that I could think of to make this the best day possible. The good news is that I did not do that for months or weeks, I did start the week of because my own anxiety started to set in. My anxiety had more to do with seeing my youngest sister because I have not talked to her or seen her in a couple of years.

(Source: addtoany.com)

// contentment//

SOPHIA FLEETWOOD, RAIVEUSE

SOPHIA FLEETWOOD, RAIVEUSE

contentment

all; then, lost -
found a likes of puzzlement,
squished, smashed, into place,
very fitting.

some place between noon and the stars,
a collide of sorts,
the collapse of everything
and nothing.

gathered, collected,
decades fade into seconds,
cleansed in pain of beauty,
captured joys in angst.

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// Albatross(Anxious Swells)//

Originally posted on MindRetrofit7:

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Albatross(Anxious Swells) 

what have I forgotten?
soaring sails, and rippling entrails,
seep across my closed eyes,
in the stillness of my laughter,
I coaxed a pain of unimaginable things

set to wander upon thoughts;
that hold my heart captive
race into happy dances;
of my neurological musings –
my mind…

wondering into playing fields,
they trample hidden…

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Me, My Mom, And Our Shenanigans

My mom flew into town on Friday, we were so proud of our trickery because we had actually pulled off this big surprise for my grandma. For those who are unaware, my mom is also an Aspie/Autistic. We are very different in many ways, and oh, so much alike in others. One of them being we are terrible liars, but out of the both of us I am the worst at keeping secrets like surprises for people. I get so excited! I am notorious for blurting out what a gift is when I am told repeatedly “Do not tell them what the gift is.” An example, one year for Mother’s Day, my mom, her brother, and my grandpa had all contributed to get grandma a ring with all of our birthstones. Mom kept reminding me not to say anything and said that we needed to keep this a surprise for grandma. The day we picked up the ring I came walking in and said something like, Grandma we got your ring. Granted I was a little kid, but I have done this well into my adult life. I script over and over “Do not say anything,” but it takes so much energy to try and come up with other things to say and to “convince” my mind that I am not lying or that it is ok to “evade” the truth for this special occasion. My mom is better at it because surprises and doing fun things like that for people trumps her hard core “I cannot lie” mechanism in her mind. She loves surprising people, but do not and I REPEAT do not surprise her. She dislikes surprises very much. Me too, but I enjoy doing it for others who I know will feel happy when surprised. She too can struggle keeping such secrets from her mom; we both almost exposed our shenanigans to grandma. We had to be crafty because grandma is smart and will start figuring things out.

(Source: addtoany.com)

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