MindRetrofit8 Moscow
Family Reunion – It Felt Good To Feel Accepted

This past Saturday was my big family reunion from my dad’s side. It has been over 10 years since we have had one and it has been that long since I have seen many of them. It is a little different for me because I had not lived here for so long; I missed many family gatherings and events that my sisters and other family members had attended. It fed into my feelings of not belonging, and isolation from people I was supposed to have some sort of connection with because of that. It escalated my social confusion and anxieties with them. However, when I would see them again I would feel an instant acceptance with many of them, not all. I feel more uneasy with certain family members that I have had more social contact with then, the family that I am referring to at the moment. I was excited and nervous about the family reunion. I was concerned about Daniel, I knew that he would enjoy himself, but would it be too overwhelming? Would I have to run out of there feeling judgmental eyes? Would people treat him like he was odd or admonish me for my parenting style? Would I have everything I needed to feed him? Would I have everything needed so he could have fun and not feel the sting of anxiety? So many questions! And they didn’t stop. I had plenty more for him, and then I had more for Ariel, Joshua and ME! I scripted, I planned, I prepared, I did all that I could think of to make this the best day possible. The good news is that I did not do that for months or weeks, I did start the week of because my own anxiety started to set in. My anxiety had more to do with seeing my youngest sister because I have not talked to her or seen her in a couple of years.

(Source: addtoany.com)

// contentment//




all; then, lost -
found a likes of puzzlement,
squished, smashed, into place,
very fitting.

some place between noon and the stars,
a collide of sorts,
the collapse of everything
and nothing.

gathered, collected,
decades fade into seconds,
cleansed in pain of beauty,
captured joys in angst.

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// Albatross(Anxious Swells)//

Originally posted on MindRetrofit7:


Albatross(Anxious Swells) 

what have I forgotten?
soaring sails, and rippling entrails,
seep across my closed eyes,
in the stillness of my laughter,
I coaxed a pain of unimaginable things

set to wander upon thoughts;
that hold my heart captive
race into happy dances;
of my neurological musings –
my mind…

wondering into playing fields,
they trample hidden…

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Me, My Mom, And Our Shenanigans

My mom flew into town on Friday, we were so proud of our trickery because we had actually pulled off this big surprise for my grandma. For those who are unaware, my mom is also an Aspie/Autistic. We are very different in many ways, and oh, so much alike in others. One of them being we are terrible liars, but out of the both of us I am the worst at keeping secrets like surprises for people. I get so excited! I am notorious for blurting out what a gift is when I am told repeatedly “Do not tell them what the gift is.” An example, one year for Mother’s Day, my mom, her brother, and my grandpa had all contributed to get grandma a ring with all of our birthstones. Mom kept reminding me not to say anything and said that we needed to keep this a surprise for grandma. The day we picked up the ring I came walking in and said something like, Grandma we got your ring. Granted I was a little kid, but I have done this well into my adult life. I script over and over “Do not say anything,” but it takes so much energy to try and come up with other things to say and to “convince” my mind that I am not lying or that it is ok to “evade” the truth for this special occasion. My mom is better at it because surprises and doing fun things like that for people trumps her hard core “I cannot lie” mechanism in her mind. She loves surprising people, but do not and I REPEAT do not surprise her. She dislikes surprises very much. Me too, but I enjoy doing it for others who I know will feel happy when surprised. She too can struggle keeping such secrets from her mom; we both almost exposed our shenanigans to grandma. We had to be crafty because grandma is smart and will start figuring things out.

(Source: addtoany.com)

// Impact//

Originally posted on MindRetrofit7:



kissing rain – {scarred mouth}
center of a tornado,
penetrated reminders
of the first time our lips; touched

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// familiarity//

Artist Tomasz Alen Kopera

Artist Tomasz Alen Kopera


i spoke of you as home,
home, a house of pain,
all i knew of love,
an abode familiar in every way,
silent, distant, cold,
origins of affections -
a dwelling full of dread;

tears of angst,
leaving its legacy,
a trail into your soul,
i said you were my home,
i bound my heart within your bones,
clasped inside your chest,
suffering for a safe haven,
my residency…

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The Summer Is Almost Over …

We start school in two weeks; it seems like the summer just started! I do not think it helped with all the cold weather we had here. We could not go swimming very much because of cool temperatures and Daniel was unable to make it through screaming kids. I can relate, it seems like kids are yelling and screaming much more than they had in the past. Not tantrums or acting out, they are just screaming as their way of talking — they skip words all together and go for the AAAAAAAAA!! Maybe it is just me; my sensory issues could be more heightened. Other than that, this summer is going down as one of the best, for sure. (I just said, “for sure” ha ha ha) We did so many new things; we had a great deal of fun together. David participated in several more activities too which was nice. I started the transition to school this past Monday, it went ok. My hope is that if I start now by the time we actually do start they will feel more at ease and it will go a little smoother. Next week, Ariel and Joshua are going to camp at the museum all week long. It will be interesting how everything goes. (I think I am speaking for myself mostly.) They will be there from 9 am to 4 pm. They have not done anything like that before; I believe they are going to have a fantastic time. They are going to do all sorts of activities from physics to art. I wish I could do it too!

(Source: addtoany.com)

// Healing Waters//

Artist Samantha Keely Smith

Artist Samantha Keely Smith

Healing Waters 

i dither into

one breath that strokes through waving

waters, unlocked gasp –

treading frozen tides

feet hovering between life,

and escape; vanish

to an unknown state –

gathered whirlpools, spiraling

down unknown paths,

diluted ties shrivel –

unloving ropes loosed; awaken

rushing floods — cleansed heart

flowing anew

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// Silently Drowning//

Originally posted on MindRetrofit7:


Silently Drowning 

if I lose my words,

realize the frailty of me;

will you stand right there?


when I lose my words,

accepting this fragile mold,

with boldness and fears;


can I look to you?

collapsing in protective

arms, still holding me;


after I have lost

all of my words; then, will you

hear my eyes speak tales?


And! as I quiet,


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